Top three things to do when you’re dead

Nothing unites all creatures quite like the fact that one day, we will all die.  When i was 4, i was so fixated on what happened when we died that i cornered my Mother and insisted she tell me what was the outcome of death.  Many years later,  my Daughter asked me the same thing just as it was my turn at the bank teller.  Humans are unique in that we all know that some day we will shed this mortal coil.

Each year about 247,000 + people die in Canada.  In general, it works out to about .7 % of our population.  The majority of these people choose burial.  At a cost of $3000 to $15,000 +  for burial vs. $700 + for cremation, families strapped for cash and with no religious opposition may find cremation more appealing… at least until mummification or taxidermy is legal.  Another plus for cremation is that embalming is not always required prior to cremation.  The chemicals used in embalming are rather nasty.  Let’s face it, if you could be planted under a young apple tree without chemicals,  those apples would be effin delicious but the reality is your corpse is gonna be a chemical waste-land taking up space in a festering expensive box.

So anyway… today’s top three is dedicated to what to have done with your cremated remains:

1)   A standard urn,  a thing of horror for the great grand-kids may be fun for you to choose.  Then you run the risk of your remains being knocked off the mantle and inhaled by the family dog… or perhaps by these guys.

Some urns hold all the bodily cremains while others hold a small portion.  I rather dig these little ghosties below.

2)  Opt for something retro…  you may even trick someone into bringing you to school in their lunch by mistake.

3)  Go for the geekery or humor.

Cookie jars as a choice would definitely require a zip-lock bag inside to be sure people don’t put cigarettes out in you.

Each day, we are closer to death so we have no excuses not to be prepared.  You can have your cremains made into precious stones, bullets or simply dumped on your neighbor’s lawn.  If all else fails, donate your body to science… those doctors all have to practice on *something*.

Top three ways to be a better member of society.

Even the most rebellious of us cannot deny, we are human and human creatures tend to live in packs.  Here are today’s top three ways to be a better member of society.

1) Pay your taxes.  Pay your taxes willingly and with pride.  It is patriotic to pay taxes and it supports so many wonderful things.  Paying taxes does NOT mean your government is out to get you nor does it mean that you are living in a socialist state.  Look at it this way… if you live in a house, someone has to cover the mortgage or rent, the food, the electricity, repairs etc.  Living in a society is no different.  If you do not pay into your society, you cannot gripe about how your Country turns out.  Here is an example of what happens when no one wants to pay taxes.  If you take issue with what your government does with those taxes, form a committee.  Get involved in politics.  If you are a large corporation or a wealthy individual, even more patriotic of you to step up and do the right thing.  You guys make your money off of the people in your society don’t you?  Be sure to pay it forward.  If your Country owes a crapload, it didn’t happen in the last two years, so stop blaming the current elected official and look at the history of your debt.

2) Stop watching Fox News.  Seriously.  Stop getting your “facts” from any media source that leans right or left.  I remember way back when i was taking grade 11 Journalism classes our teacher taught us the first rule of journalism is that you REPORT THE FACTS.  You are never to skew the facts to fit your opinion unless writing an editorial.  Far too many media sources in North America are merely a voice for specific political agenda.  Left or Right, getting the facts and not the rhetoric will help you make better electoral decisions.  While virtually every form of media has an undercurrent of opinion, ferreting out the closest thing to the truth while not easy, is responsible.

3) Vote.  Even if you think your options are a farce, you cannot hope to make a difference in any way if you don’t vote.  Voting is something that people in many countries have died for the right to do.  Overlook if you can the vilification of politicians by other parties and read as much as you can about the party, the person, the politics.  However you vote, voting is one of the most respectable things you can do as a member of your society… it shows you care.

Top three freakish sea creatures you may not know about.

I am always fascinated by life completely foreign to mine.  This is why i am addicted to watching Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC.  Today, i am thinking more about the freakish creatures who live under the sea… creatures you may not know exist.  *Fascinating*.

1)  The Giant Nomura’s Jellyfish.  These friggers are huge.  At a weight of up to 200 kilos, they have even been responsible for sinking a fishing trawler.   Jellyfish are amazing at any size due to the fact that they are a nebulous solid,  have no eyes yet are known to see color, and have no brain that we know of and yet can problem solve.  The Nomura’s jellyfish are a real menace off the coasts of China and Japan, getting caught up in nets and ruining catches.  For years, fishermen have been cutting them up and tossing them back in the ocean, not realizing that this was triggering additional jellyfish blooms due to the life cycle of these gelatinous behemoths.

 

 

2) The Colossal Squid.  I am a big fan of cephalopods in general. Octopus are believed by many marine biologists to be as intelligent as dolphins and are excellent problem solvers.  They can change shape and color in a fraction of time and even escape from aquariums.  They have been known to crawl across a room at night to eat crabs and crawl back to their own tank again.  Heck, an octopus can even do this.  As fascinating as octopus are, the Colossal Squid is mesmerizing for the fact that stories of Kraken  have generally been thought to be fancies of  the sea and alcohol addled minds of sailors.  Who knew that they may have been speaking the truth?  I quote from the Wikipedia page for Colossal Squid, “Unlike the giant squid, whose arms and tentacles only have suckers lined with small teeth, the Colossal Squid’s limbs are also equipped with sharp hooks.”

 

 

3)  Today’s third sea creature is one i just learned about… the Dragon Shark.  Yes.  I said DRAGON SHARK.  This is a very rare species of prehistoric shark that still lives today.  As an aged D & D gamer, anything in the real world that resembles some sort of dragon makes me giddy.  Here is one in motion.  Even the more innocuous name Frilled Shark does little to diminish the skin crawlies many may feel looking at this lurvie.  Have fun swimming this summer!

 

Top three creepy knitting ideas – NSFW

I am an avid crafter and knitter.  Every so often, while perusing teh interwebz for patterns and inspiration i will stumble upon knitting ideas that make me shudder like waking up to find a clown in your bed.  Today’s top three will focus on these knitting ideas. Warning… the last photo is definitely not appropriate for the young – and NSFW.

Ugly knitting is not new.  Anyone who survived the 80’s can probably recall the mountains of hideous knitting out there.  If not, here’s an example:

While Bill would grace us weekly with ugly sweaters, these were not routinely terror-inducing.

1)  There are many styles of full-faced knitting, and to be completely truthful, it’s almost always kind of creepy.  These pictures however, purl the shudder level up a few stitches.

I particularly find the mask on the far left disturbing for it’s eerie resemblance to this.  Wrong… so very very wrong.

2)  We have all seen ugly sweaters, and there is even a rather fun trend of the ugly Christmas sweater party… but these sweaters move beyond fugly:

Now there are many reasons clowns are scary… here is just one.

This sweater while cozy, looks like a cross between a Teletubby and the pea shooters on Plants VS Zombies.  It leaves us wondering just what’s in there and that is rather worrisome.  It does however segue nicely into the third creepy knitting idea…

3)   The full body fetish knitting.  I know that there are plenty of x-rated knitting shenanigans going on out there craftdom.  You can find knitted shlongs or shlong cozies on Etsy in your choice of color.  For some reason, the full body fetish knitting disturbs me more.

Now the last picture i warn again is NOT SAFE FOR WORK OR FOR KIDS.  Frankly, i am not totally sure it’s safe for anyone’s eyes.  Someone get Chris Hansen on the phone.

Have fun looking for eye bleach.

Top three worst toys to buy someone else’s kids

In the world of children’s toys, there is a lot of money to be made.  Masses of plastic flotsam can be found at any department store.  The bright colored packaging taunts, inviting you to make a young person’s life infinitely better by purchasing the promise of happiness.  In actuality, most kids today require significantly fewer toys, and the ones they do have should be chosen wisely.  Aside from the multitude of fast food restaurant “toys” and dollar store garbage, these are some of the worst toys i have yet seen.

1)  The game Frustration by Hasbro. You know a board game is a pain when it has been sold under three different names… Frustration, Headache and Trouble.  Anyone over the age of 6 will be tired of the tediousness in 10 minutes or less.  Anyone UNDER the age of 6 has an attention span of about 6 minutes or less. The game goes on and on… and on.  The only redemptive feature is the pop-o-matic bubble.  I defy a family of 4 to play this more than once without getting punchy.

2)  Night Vision goggles by EyeClops.  I don’t care how many awards this toy has won… one of the last things a parent needs is their kid sneaking around after dark to see what they can see.  Is this how you want them to learn about the birds and the bees?  Do you want your child saying “it puts the lotion on it’s skin”?  Most parents yearn for that time that the kids are in bed and it’s finally adult time… anything that encourages the kids to stay up late and wander around in stealth mode is just plain wrong.

3)  I have yet to see this verified but if this doll is indeed real, a Pole Dance doll would definitely warrant being on this list.  What’s next, a Hooters doll?  A two girls one cup Doll?  Sweet jumping jeebus.  (warning… do NOT google “two girls one cup” if you are under the age of 18 or if you just ate)
As a foot-note, i as a parent would like to remind all of you that buying toys that beep, are projectiles or contain about a million little sharp pieces of plastic are strongly frowned upon by the majority of parents.  We may be forced to get you to babysit.

Today’s three ways to feel good about yourself

I am going to start this blog with three ways to feel good about the direction your life is heading.  No matter how little your colleagues or family may respect you, you can take solace in the fact that you are not:

1) A salvia divinorum  user.  Seriously, this shit is crazy.  If you don’t take my word for it, check this out.  If you are feeling down, spend half an hour on Youtube watching clips of people on Salvia do seriously stupid shit.   Disclaimer, i in NO way condone this kind of nonsense.  Parents… check on your kids cos this stuff is really easy to get your hands on and in many places, completely legal.

2)  Are you a hoarder?  I mean, take a look around you.  Sure you have a lot of crap.  Maybe you still have a High School jersey or you collect tiki mugs, but are you a HOARDER?  Watch 10 minutes of Hoarding-Buried Alive or Hoarders and you will feel like a champion.  You may have a strong urge to clean your home and throw away half of your shit.  You may also feel like all of your skin is crawling up your body and onto your scalp.  If you aren’t already repulsed beyond comprehension, there is also a show dedicated to animal hoarders. Watching any of these shows should make you feel fantastic about your life-skills… unless of course you work for these guys, then the shows might make you cut a bitch.

3)  Speaking of cut, you should be thrilled about human existence in general because this guy is part of this ol planet of ours.  For $5 American, he will write your last will and testament or whatever else you want written on his hairy man-body, and dance JUST FOR YOU for 30 seconds.  Best money spent EVAR.  He’s been the dancing bear of Regretsy, so you know… he’s kosher.  Even if you are not into a dancing man-charade of hairyliciousness,  the fact that human beings have used our highly evolved tool using capabilities to reach this pinnacle of frivolity and fun — well that just kicks all sorts of ass.